Do you like the churro reference? Apparently the people who
come up with the baby size comparisons became really desperate at this point
because every comparison I found was bizarre. It was a toss up between the size of a
Chinese cabbage and the length of a churro. Churro won because A) most people
don’t know what a Chinese cabbage is and B) churros are crazy delicious.
So 28 weeks marks the official beginning of the 3rd
trimester, what the what? When did that happen? Still feeling fairly good. By
that I mean I am not yet totally miserable all the time. But don’t worry, I’m
told that is coming.
Here are a few of my favorite symptoms recently:
-Baby continues to make a comfortable nest out of
my bladder but I think I’ve mastered the whole peeing 900 times before bed
thing so I don’t have to wake up in the middle of the night. Small victories.
-But don’t worry! Since I haven’t had to stumble
my way to the bathroom at 3 am recently, the pregnancy gods have decided that
it is only fair that instead I get crippling calf cramps several times a night.
-My veins have multiplied and are having parties.
No varicose leg veins that I’ve heard about, just plain ol’ more visible. It
doesn’t help that my skin is approximately the same color and transparency as
white tissue paper. They are especially terrifying after I’ve had a bath or
shower and all the vessels are dilated and extra huge. Then it really ventures
into super villain territory.
Nausea doesn’t even deserve mentioning because I’ve gotten
so used to it. I just try not to make any sudden movements in the morning and
sip on my pregnancy tea until I can stomach something bland and carb-y. As long
as that sits well I can eat pretty normally the rest of the day, even crazy
things like APPLES.
In conclusion, here’s an outtake of this week’s pregnancy
portrait, where Daisy made the mistake of wandering too close to me while I was taking pictures. She looks
so betrayed. JUST WAIT UNTIL I BUY THAT SNOWMAN KITTY COSTUME FROM TARGET,
Well, I’m behind on this blogging thing. Luckily, due to the magic of the internet, I can mark that I posted this week so it appears I have not been slacking. Always looking out for me, dear internet.
I really have no
good excuse, since Joe has been gone for the past two weeks and when that
happens I mostly sit around and watch an excessive amount of Netflix. And eat a
lot of soup, since that’s the only savory thing I make with confidence. Throw
vegetables in the soup pot! Add random shit until it tastes good! Watch five
more episodes of Supernatural! Repeat
So! Pregnancy! The downside to having a visible belly is that I’m now
experiencing the whole strangers-feel-oddly-entitled-to-talk-to-me thing.
Recently this has also expanded to the belly groping. If I know you I
understand, but if I’ve never met you or you filthy hands before please trust that
I don’t want them on me. Since I’m naturally shy and not at all touchy feely
anyway, this has been really weird and I kind of feel like I’ve in an episode
of The Twilight Zone. It fits, no? I
have an alien inside me and suddenly people are drawn to my belly like zombies.
Beginning to think baby has mind control powers.
My big pregnancy announcement this week is the somewhat
mortifying fact that at 6 1/2 months pregnant, I weigh the same as I did at my
heaviest weight in college, so more or less 15 lbs from my starting weight. The
weight I gained in college was not the typical “freshman fifteen” caused by too
much cafeteria pizza. The cafeteria could keep its shitty pizza. Rather, my weight gain can be directly
correlated to when I moved in with Joe and started eating all my meals with
Unfortunately, Joe is a great cook and I liked his cooking
far more than the cafeteria’s. Which, by the way, is not difficult when your friendly college cafeteria sets out boiled shrimp with the heads still on in the salad bar. The best part was, there was a jaunty little sign that accompanied it that proudly announced, "Locally grown!" Right, because Cleveland, Ohio is famous for its locally grown shrimp and that's not at all creepy and disgusting! It's not like your lake once caught on fire or anything. Oh wait...
Anyway, it turns out that a 5-foot girl shouldn’t eat
college-boy sized portions of risotto and garlic pasta every day. Oh, and when
you go to Hawaii with your boyfriend? You should probably not eat macadamia nut
pancakes every day. Daily fried
cake breakfasts do not go well with your bikini, Sophie.
Luckily, I got my act together pretty quickly and lost that
weight. But I must say it was a lot more fun to be this weight while happily eating
massive helpings of pasta than it is to be this weight and dry heaving when I
see a cracker. I mean, C’MON.
In other news, I’m trying to make up for my complete lack of
baby gear by reluctantly starting to read What
to Expect the First Year again. I started it, than traded it for Helter Skelter, a grisly 700-page account
of the Manson murders. Why?
BECAUSE I FOUND IT SLIGHTLY LESS TERRIFYING THAN CHAPTER 2 OF WHAT TO EXPECT THE FIRST YEAR. Which
could probably be subtitled, “You should probably just give up now. Also, how
is your anti-depressant supply?”.
I’m sure my birthing class will be just as soothing, right?
This past week was a magical week, where my belly ‘popped’ a
lot more and strangers could finally tell that I was pregnant. Possibly due to
the number of times we ate out this week, more than anything else. Regardless,
I’ll take it. At least I feel like I can wear form-fitting shirts again and
look cute and pregnant. Until now, I mostly felt I was diligently working on a
beer belly, which was not exactly confidence inspiring.
Besides belly, nothing new to report on the pregnancy front.
Still nauseated and have to pee about 400% more than usual, but haven’t had any
other new or exciting symptoms like back pain or sciatica. Also, no food
cravings, but pretty excited that it is now pear season because I love pears SO
MUCH. I actually have a problem bringing myself to eat them after I buy them because I don’t
want to “waste” them. It’s a sickness, really.
Given my obsession with fruit, I should probably live
somewhere other than Alaska, since nothing actually grows here except some
gnarly crabapples that are not fit for human consumption. At least, not humans you like very much. I remember visiting
California for the first time in my youth and thinking something along the lines
of, “Whoa whoa, you mean fruit really grows on trees? What kind of sorcery is
this?” And then I continued to suck my thumb, which eventually led my
mom to buy several luxury vehicles for my orthodontist.
And yes, according to my iPhone pregnancy app, baby was the
size of a papaya this week. I think I’ve gestated an entire fruit salad by now. I suppose I'm still working on the melon component. Wince.
Newest pregnancy developments are 1) I can now skip the
prophylactic nausea medication without guaranteeing that I will later throw up.
More nauseated without it, but still, progress! 2) Lately, baby prefers to curl
up in the right lower side of my belly, giving the impression of a right-sided
baby tumor. Alternatively I am carrying a baby cone head. Toss-up, really. 3) My
belly button is beginning to plot its escape, mischievous devil that it is.
Other pregnancy developments include my total lack of preparation
for when the baby actually arrives. I panicked and made Joe paint the nursery, and it is still absolutely empty. At least it looks cool.
Kinda hoping one of those doors opens into a nursery in Narnia. If not, I can just shove a dog bed in the corner, right? Cozy!
these days, I may actually buy something off of my baby registry. I HAVE THREE MONTHS, OKAY?