Saturday, December 22, 2012

36 weeks pregnant: Merry Christmas, baby

Oh how I love the Christmas season. The tree, the decorations, browsing the holiday section of Target for hours while my Jewish husband quietly weeps in boredom. This year has been especially good because I got to decorate our new house for the first time. And I'm pregnant so when Joe asks if we really need to get stockings to hang I can say YES, which translates to YES and also shall I remind you that I'm busy creating your tiny human heir? And into the cart the stockings go.

Luckily Joe likes plants-- we've had a wide variety of potted plants all named "Planty" over the years-- so he's enjoyed having a live(ish) tree in our living room this month. Joe also inexplicably likes choosing lightbulbs (cue me weeping quietly from boredom while Joe wanders the lightbulb aisle of Lowe's) so he was able to help pick out the tree lights that best minimized the chances of me setting the house on fire.

I even tried to make the tree a little more Hannukah friendly by decking it out in blue, white and silver. Perhaps next year we'll strap a menorah to the top. Too much?

Pregnancy continues to putter along, no big changes there. After squishing around my belly recently, one of the midwives commented that although the baby is indeed lodged way up in my rib cage, he has plenty of room in there. And I was like really? Because sometimes I feel like I'm going to cough up a baby foot.

In good news, my morning sickness finally eased up sometime last month, though I've been afraid to mention it in case the pregnancy gods say, "Oh right, forgot about that! Here, puke a little more." So just keep that on the down low, okay?

Happy Holidays, everyone!

Saturday, December 15, 2012

35 weeks pregnant: The Rib Cage Inn

My favorite pregnancy encounter happened around this time, where a stranger touched my belly and then proceeded to stare at me awkwardly and silently for several seconds. I starred back at her, bewildered. Finally she said, "I'm going to ask you a question." and I thought how nice, because I'm going to punch you in the face.
Her: Are you pregnant?
Me: Um, yes.
Her: I thought so but I couldn't tell if you were just heavy.

Excuse me, what? How many heavy people are tiny except for their WATERMELON SIZED BELLY? I'm either pregnant or have some sort of deadly medical condition. But wait! It gets better!

Her: So how far along are you?
Me: About 35 weeks now. Almost 36.
Her: So... about 6 months pregnant?
Me: ....

Yes, because six times four CLEARLY equals 35. Basic math skills for the win!

This trumped my former favorite pregnancy moment, when an old lady (who had previously seen me and scolded me for not having gained enough weight, TEETH GNASH) approvingly told me that I was getting "nice and fat". Just what every pregnant lady dreams of hearing!

Baby continues his comfortable stay in The Rib Cage Inn. He has pretty much been curled up in my right side the entire pregnancy and must be crushing some sort of crucial nerve connected to my right leg, as that leg frequently cramps and turns to jelly when I'm trying to exert myself too much, like say, moving in any sort of way. Joe and I were trying to book it back to the car recently when it was freezing out and I had to slow way down and hobble along instead because my leg was giving out. I'm sure I looked like a pregnant polio victim.

On the upside, traveling was marginally nicer than usual over Thanksgiving because everybody takes pity on limping pregnant ladies. Except for the TSA agents who continue to preform the most awkward full body pat downs in the history of life. "Is there anywhere sore on your body that I should know about?" (Blank stare while I gesture to my entire pregnant body) "Right, okay. I'm going to be touching your inner thighs now..." Yes, TSA agent, because everyone knows that pregnant ladies always hide their explosives in their inner thighs, magically concealed by maternity leggings. Just wait until you see where I have hidden the unicorn.

Saturday, December 8, 2012

34 weeks: a photo

Probably the best part of a maternity photo shoot is that someone is constantly yelling at you to stick your belly out as far as possible and it feels like a compliment. I'm pleased with most of the pictures I got out of it, though the photographer was very much into having me mostly naked and draped in bed sheets. And since I want a job in the future, I thought maybe I shouldn't share those with a million strangers. You're welcome, son.

Saturday, December 1, 2012

33 Weeks: "Do you have a tummy ache?"

Behind on everything, as per usual. Joe and I just got back from a little vacation where we visited Joe's friend Brian in Ohio and my pal Katie in Kentucky for a couple weeks. Apparently I suck at taking pictures on vacation so you'll have to imagine my belly for weeks 31 and 32. I assure you that it was very much the same, though possibly slightly smaller since it had not yet been stuffed with vacation food. I'm looking at you, pickle flavored Pringles.

Continue to be pregnant and such. Also, two of my coworkers are also now pregnant so it appears I am slowly infecting everybody with fertility germs. It is nice to have people to commiserate with while I check the fridge for the 10th time to see if anything new has magically appeared. We mostly fantasize about bringing in bean bag chairs so we can arrange a pregnant napping station. And exchange a lot of texts along the lines of, "SO TIRED. HATE EVERYTHING." 

I've officially gotten to the awkward stage of pregnancy where moving around is difficult. It is now an athletic feat for me to hoist myself out of the bathtub and bending over is my least favorite activity. I recently was curling my hair with hot rollers and dropped one while I was taking them out of my hair. As I watched it roll under the couch, I seriously considered the option of waiting two months or so to retrieve it. 

Baby also seems to have reached an awkward stage where he is running out of places to go. Apparently he has already rearranged all my internal organs and has now decided that he should take up residency in my rib cage. I now rest one of my hands on the top of my belly most times and appear to be a serene pregnant lady. In reality, I am just constantly dislodging little baby feet from my ribs. 

People continue to be overly comfortable approaching me about my pregnancy, including a teenage shop clerk who began quizzing me about my birth plans while I was trying to pick out a Halloween costume. Listen, braces face, your wondering aloud about how much child birth must suck is really not improving my shopping experience. I get a lot of, "Wow! You're so tiny!" and-- most annoying-- "You need to gain more weight!" This comment aggravates me the most, since my weight gain is right on track and my belly is measuring exactly where it should be. I tend to be a perfectionist so when people tell me I need to gain weight I'm like NO DAMNIT, I'M ACING THIS WHOLE WEIGHT GAIN THING. LOOK AT THE WEIGHT GAIN GRAPH I HAVE ON MY IPHONE. 

In contrast, my favorite pregnancy comment from a stranger has been from my boss's little girl who saw my pregnant belly and asked me, "Do you have a tummy ache?" Adorable. And also fairly accurate. 

Now I am working on Christmas-itzing the house and am looking forward to having my first real Christmas tree in our little house. Joe is not so thrilled, something about him being Jewish or something. I'm not sure, the Christmas music was drowning everything else out. 

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

30 Weeks Pregnant: Pregnant cat burglar

I'm going to pretend that it didn't take me 3 weeks to upload this photo, lalala. As usual, I enjoy the fact that I can chose what day it appears I posted a blog entry so I look a lot less like a slacker.

So! Baby! I've tried to keep active-ish throughout my pregnancy, though obviously it has been harder in recent weeks. I did finally find a prenatal workout that I like since I find most prenatal workouts to be excruciatingly boring. I know people are trying create safe exercises and whatnot but pregnant women are capable of doing much more than sitting in a lotus position while s-l-o-w-l-y stretching, which is what I found in most prenatal routines. Also, there tends to be a lot of wind chimes and Mother Earth talk about how pregnant women are goddesses in these workouts and after about 3 minutes of that I'm ready for a nap.

Joe likes being legitimately active outdoors, in contrast to my preferred method of exercising indoors, ideally while some sort of trashy television is playing in the background to distract me. So it was not surprising when Joe recently dragged me outdoors for a "walk". My version of a walk is putting on a coat and walking around the local lake. Joe's method involves heavy duty outerwear, survival equipment and a trip up a snowy mountain. I was dressed head-to-toe in black, apparently the mountain gear color of choice, and felt like a pregnant cat burglar except, you know, a lot less agile. Joe also gave me some trekking poles to use, which are essentially like ski poles that you use to keep better balance when hiking. So I also looked like I tried to go skiing but then suffered some sort of head injury and only got half of it right. In short, the worst burglar ever. I have photographic proof of this:

Admittedly, the walk was nice and we turned around when we encountered a steep hill that looked particularly treacherous to my pregnant self. The deciding factor to skipping the hill was while we were standing contemplating the hill, I managed to trip over a root. While standing still. Good one, pregnancy balance. 

In conclusion, I really, really hope that some day, some person stumbles on my blog after googling the phrase "pregnant car burglar". 

Sunday, October 28, 2012

28 Weeks: Pregnancy blog, now with 50% more cats!

Do you like the churro reference? Apparently the people who come up with the baby size comparisons became really desperate at this point because every comparison I found was bizarre. It was a toss up between the size of a Chinese cabbage and the length of a churro. Churro won because A) most people don’t know what a Chinese cabbage is and B) churros are crazy delicious.

So 28 weeks marks the official beginning of the 3rd trimester, what the what? When did that happen? Still feeling fairly good. By that I mean I am not yet totally miserable all the time. But don’t worry, I’m told that is coming.

Here are a few of my favorite symptoms recently:
-       Baby continues to make a comfortable nest out of my bladder but I think I’ve mastered the whole peeing 900 times before bed thing so I don’t have to wake up in the middle of the night. Small victories.
-       But don’t worry! Since I haven’t had to stumble my way to the bathroom at 3 am recently, the pregnancy gods have decided that it is only fair that instead I get crippling calf cramps several times a night.
-       My veins have multiplied and are having parties. No varicose leg veins that I’ve heard about, just plain ol’ more visible. It doesn’t help that my skin is approximately the same color and transparency as white tissue paper. They are especially terrifying after I’ve had a bath or shower and all the vessels are dilated and extra huge. Then it really ventures into super villain territory.

Nausea doesn’t even deserve mentioning because I’ve gotten so used to it. I just try not to make any sudden movements in the morning and sip on my pregnancy tea until I can stomach something bland and carb-y. As long as that sits well I can eat pretty normally the rest of the day, even crazy things like APPLES.

In conclusion, here’s an outtake of this week’s pregnancy portrait, where Daisy made the mistake of wandering too close to me while I was taking pictures. She looks so betrayed. JUST WAIT UNTIL I BUY THAT SNOWMAN KITTY COSTUME FROM TARGET, DAISY. 

Friday, October 19, 2012

27 weeks: Baby Twilight Zone

Well, I’m behind on this blogging thing. Luckily, due to the magic of the internet, I can mark that I posted this week so it appears I have not been slacking. Always looking out for me, dear internet.

I really have no good excuse, since Joe has been gone for the past two weeks and when that happens I mostly sit around and watch an excessive amount of Netflix. And eat a lot of soup, since that’s the only savory thing I make with confidence. Throw vegetables in the soup pot! Add random shit until it tastes good! Watch five more episodes of Supernatural! Repeat as needed. 

So! Pregnancy! The downside to having a visible belly is that I’m now experiencing the whole strangers-feel-oddly-entitled-to-talk-to-me thing. Recently this has also expanded to the belly groping. If I know you I understand, but if I’ve never met you or you filthy hands before please trust that I don’t want them on me. Since I’m naturally shy and not at all touchy feely anyway, this has been really weird and I kind of feel like I’ve in an episode of The Twilight Zone. It fits, no? I have an alien inside me and suddenly people are drawn to my belly like zombies. Beginning to think baby has mind control powers. 

Monday, October 15, 2012

26 Weeks: True crime novels > baby books

10/15/12 – 26 weeks pregnant

My big pregnancy announcement this week is the somewhat mortifying fact that at 6 1/2 months pregnant, I weigh the same as I did at my heaviest weight in college, so more or less 15 lbs from my starting weight. The weight I gained in college was not the typical “freshman fifteen” caused by too much cafeteria pizza. The cafeteria could keep its shitty pizza.  Rather, my weight gain can be directly correlated to when I moved in with Joe and started eating all my meals with him.

Unfortunately, Joe is a great cook and I liked his cooking far more than the cafeteria’s. Which, by the way, is not difficult when your friendly college cafeteria sets out boiled shrimp with the heads still on in the salad bar. The best part was, there was a jaunty little sign that accompanied it that proudly announced, "Locally grown!" Right, because Cleveland, Ohio is famous for its locally grown shrimp and that's not at all creepy and disgusting! It's not like your lake once caught on fire or anything. Oh wait...

Anyway, it turns out that a 5-foot girl shouldn’t eat college-boy sized portions of risotto and garlic pasta every day. Oh, and when you go to Hawaii with your boyfriend? You should probably not eat macadamia nut pancakes every day.  Daily fried cake breakfasts do not go well with your bikini, Sophie.

Luckily, I got my act together pretty quickly and lost that weight. But I must say it was a lot more fun to be this weight while happily eating massive helpings of pasta than it is to be this weight and dry heaving when I see a cracker. I mean, C’MON.

In other news, I’m trying to make up for my complete lack of baby gear by reluctantly starting to read What to Expect the First Year again. I started it, than traded it for Helter Skelter, a grisly 700-page account of the Manson murders.  Why? BECAUSE I FOUND IT SLIGHTLY LESS TERRIFYING THAN CHAPTER 2 OF WHAT TO EXPECT THE FIRST YEAR. Which could probably be subtitled, “You should probably just give up now. Also, how is your anti-depressant supply?”.

I’m sure my birthing class will be just as soothing, right? 

Monday, October 8, 2012

25 weeks: Gestating a fruit salad

This past week was a magical week, where my belly ‘popped’ a lot more and strangers could finally tell that I was pregnant. Possibly due to the number of times we ate out this week, more than anything else. Regardless, I’ll take it. At least I feel like I can wear form-fitting shirts again and look cute and pregnant. Until now, I mostly felt I was diligently working on a beer belly, which was not exactly confidence inspiring.

Besides belly, nothing new to report on the pregnancy front. Still nauseated and have to pee about 400% more than usual, but haven’t had any other new or exciting symptoms like back pain or sciatica. Also, no food cravings, but pretty excited that it is now pear season because I love pears SO MUCH. I actually have a problem bringing myself to eat them after I buy them because I don’t want to “waste” them. It’s a sickness, really.

Given my obsession with fruit, I should probably live somewhere other than Alaska, since nothing actually grows here except some gnarly crabapples that are not fit for human consumption. At least, not humans you like very much. I remember visiting California for the first time in my youth and thinking something along the lines of, “Whoa whoa, you mean fruit really grows on trees? What kind of sorcery is this?” And then I continued to suck my thumb, which eventually led my mom to buy several luxury vehicles for my orthodontist.  

And yes, according to my iPhone pregnancy app, baby was the size of a papaya this week. I think I’ve gestated an entire fruit salad by now. I suppose I'm still working on the melon component. Wince. 

Monday, October 1, 2012

24 weeks pregnant: 6 months down, baby! (See what I did there?)

Newest pregnancy developments are 1) I can now skip the prophylactic nausea medication without guaranteeing that I will later throw up. More nauseated without it, but still, progress! 2) Lately, baby prefers to curl up in the right lower side of my belly, giving the impression of a right-sided baby tumor. Alternatively I am carrying a baby cone head. Toss-up, really. 3) My belly button is beginning to plot its escape, mischievous devil that it is.

Other pregnancy developments include my total lack of preparation for when the baby actually arrives. I panicked and made Joe paint the nursery, and it is still absolutely empty. At least it looks cool.

Kinda hoping one of those doors opens into a nursery in Narnia. If not, I can just shove a dog bed in the corner, right? Cozy! 

One of these days, I may actually buy something off of my baby registry. I HAVE THREE MONTHS, OKAY?

Monday, September 24, 2012

23 weeks pregnant: Sophie's Pregnancy Tonic

Of course when you’re pregnant everybody wants to know what you’re craving. I’m sure my coworkers are just dying to hear that I’ve been eating Big Macs and ice cream sundaes, since I generally eat very healthily and they find this extremely disturbing. But apparently I do live in an alternate universe where raw green beans and mustard is a perfectly acceptable snack.

Side note: dipping vegetables in mustard is not a pregnancy thing either; I’ve been doing that for years. I’m just semi-obsessed with mustard. Totally normal.

The only new craving I’ve had is for tart herbal tea blends, most of which contain hibiscus flowers. For some reason, this tea is pretty much the only fluid I can stomach. After I discovered this and drank gallons of the stuff a day, I decided on a whim that I should probably Google if hibiscus is safe for consumption during pregnancy.

This is where you scream useless protests at me, much like you would do while watching a horror movie. "NO! STOP! WHY WOULD YOU GO INTO THE HAUNTED BASEMENT ALONE? WHO DOES THAT?"

Internet consensus: probably not, and also why are you trying to poison your unborn child? God. Damn. It.

I called my midwives, who assured me that they could care less if I ate a basket of hibiscus flowers a day. Okay, they may have not said exactly that, because that would be weird, but they did think it was totally safe for me to drink my beloved tea.

I’ve since bought enormous quantities of the stuff and have been drinking that pretty much exclusively. I even started making a juice cocktail with it that I’ve nicknamed Sophie’s Pregnancy Tonic. So if I can just travel back to the 1930’s and peddle it as a cure all, I’d be set.

I think the lesson here, as it always is, is DON’T GOOGLE ANYTHING EVER WHEN YOU’RE PREGNANT. Which is of course why I continue to do it on a daily basis.

Not very interesting but that’s my big pregnancy craving. After I finished off yet another box last week, I announced to Joe that I was probably going to give birth to a giant hibiscus flower. Strangely I have not had nightmares about this yet.

Monday, September 17, 2012

22 weeks: In which I gestate an eggplant

I am so committed to this process that I got up and put on pants to take my weekly belly picture. That, my friends, is called DEDICATION.

Though that took all my motivation and I can't be bothered to come up with anything else. Here's belly update and survey instead.

How far along? 22 Weeks
Total weight gain/loss: something like 12 or 13 lbs
Maternity clothes? A few things. Definitely growing fond of elastic.
Stretch marks? No. Though I have begun to liberally grease my body is assorted potions in attempts to avoid that.
Sleep: Sleeping well, except for the whole peeing every 30 seconds thing.
Best moment this week: My birthday was last week so I was generally fawned upon, which I support 100%. Also Joe finished painting the nursery, though I can’t remember if that was last week or not. 
Miss Anything? Sushi, a normal bladder capacity.
Movement: Oh yes. Peapod enjoys soothing me back to sleep after my midnight bathroom breaks by slamming repeatedly into my uterus.
Food cravings: Nothing unusual. Still fond of peanut butter, fruit, cheese. And unicorn blood. Just seeing if you're paying attention.
Anything making you queasy or sick: Depends. Things have calmed down A LOT but still am turned off a lot of time by protein, raw vegetables… Basically anything that is not a refined carbohydrate will turn me off at one time or another. Coffee and black tea I can’t do at all.
Have you started to show yet: I mean, this weight has to have collected SOMEWHERE. There is some definite pudge action happening but that's about it. Which begs the terrifying question, where am I storing this 12 lbs if not on my belly? Wait, don't answer that. 
Gender prediction: Unless my ultrasound tech was on mind altering drugs, we are sticking with boy.
Labor Signs: Nay. Can I have a surrogate just for the labor bit please?
Belly Button in or out? In. I bought one of those hilarious pregnancy belly button rings that looks like its made out of a flexible straw after my co-worker told me a horrific story about how her pregnancy ripped her belly button piercing nearly completely out but so far things are looking pretty normal. 
Wedding rings on or off? Off, though only because I developed a weird rash on my ring finger. 
Happy or Moody most of the time: Generally pretty emotionally stable. Except when I make pie crust, which always sends me into a murderous rage.
Looking forward to: Actually appearing legitimately pregnant. 

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

21 Weeks: Pregnancy: Pirate Edition

9/4/12 - 21 Weeks Pregnant

A couple weeks ago, crazy pain in my right eye woke me up at 4 am. I tentatively pawed at that eye and found that my eye was swollen and bizarrely leaking tears, even with the eye clamped shut. Like I was sleep-sobbing. Out of one eye? Wait, it gets better. I stumbled to the bathroom and pried out my contacts and my eye didn’t look too bad. I mean, it was bright red, swollen and pathetic looking but there were no obvious giant glass shards embedded in my eye, which is what it felt like.

I grabbed an ice pack from the freezer and fed Daisy early, who thought this was a neat game where her owner staggered around the house in the middle of the night with no depth perception. Eventually I was able to fall back asleep for a bit with the ice pack snuggled up against my eye and then had soothing dreams about my eye pain, including one in which I figured out that my eye hurt because I had somehow crammed three contact lenses into the one eye.

I really did try going to work but even when I could tentatively force my eye open for brief, glorious moments of sight, the pain stopped dropped me to my knees about every 30 seconds or so while I went, "ARRRRRRGH." Very much like movie supervillains do when their plans have been foiled yet again. Generally this behavior is frowned upon in a nurse so I came to terms that work was not going to happen.

To make matters more interesting, Joe was out of town, so I had to drive myself around to be treated later that morning. Luckily, there is an urgent care center about 30 seconds away from our house and I figured I could drive myself there without killing anyone. I suppose I could have walked there, too, but I didn’t really want to stumble along for 20 minutes while clutching my eye and moaning. People would assume a zombie apocalypse was starting, and then were would we be?

The doctor pretty quickly diagnosed me with a corneal ulcer, a nice big open sore on the eye caused by sleeping with my contacts in. Good work, Sophie. The doctor proceeded to casually mention that as a wartime doc in Korea, he saw a corneal ulcer much like mine become so infected with Pseudomonas that the lady’s eye melted within a matter of days. He paused. “We got her a glass eye,” he said thoughtfully, as if this were supposed to comfort me somehow. After this I was all I’LL DO WHATEVER YOU WANT DOC, JUST DON’T LET MY EYE MELT. So I left with a prescription for some pain relieving eye drops, antibiotic eye drops, and a stylish eye patch. YES, PREGNANT WITH AN EYE PATCH. AND MY EYE IS PROBABLY GOING TO MELT. THIS DAY GETS BETTER AND BETTER.

Driving to and from the pharmacy while wearing an eye patch was probably one of the more sketchy things I have done but goddamnit, I was getting my anti-eye melting medications. Pedestrians be damned!

So I bummed around the house with my sweet eye patch on for the rest of the day. Eye injuries are especially lame because you can't go to work with a leaky useless eye but also can’t really do the usual sick-at-home things, like read or watch TV. I mean, I squinted in the general direction of the TV in order to “watch” What’s Eating Gilbert Grape but that’s about it. Luckily, as a pregnant lady, napping is a favorite activity of mine, so at least I was well rested.

Thankfully, eye injuries tend to heal pretty fast so the eye patch and mind-searing pain were short-lived. And, so far, my eye has not melted, so that’s awesome.

In other news, I am still pregnant. Baby Peapod moves enough that Joe can now feel him, and if I watch carefully when baby is active, I can see my belly pulsate. Very Alien-esque.

Ahem. I mean, the beautiful wonders of pregnancy, mother earth and so on. And so forth.

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

20 weeks: half way done!

8/28/12 20 weeks pregnant

When we learned baby Peapod is a boy a couple weeks ago, Joe decided that I needed some bellyphones. They're little stick on headphones that you can secure to your belly in order to pump music directly into your unsuspecting uterus. Like so:

I think the idea is kind of silly and besides, Peapod is getting plenty of audio stimulation from such cinematic classics as Pretty Little Liars and Buffy the Vampire Slayer. But it is kind of adorable and it doesn’t take any effort on my part so I’m game.

Speaking of game, Joe’s playlist for developing young genius brains has consisted of such master composers as Beethoven and Debussy and for some reason also includes the Final Fantasy VII soundtrack.  Naturally.

I’ve definitely felt the wee one more the last week. I’d felt some flutters now and then for a couple weeks before but can now feel actual jabs/kicks/punches. Joe can tell when it’s happening because I jump about 10 feet in the air every time it happens. I took a couple good hits when I used the bellyphones the first time and I suppose we will never know if they were squirms of delight or a desperate attempt to escape from the Waltz de Chocobo.

Joe has also prepped the nursery for my striped wall scheme. The room is barren and draped in plastic sheets and tape so it basically looks like a kill room from Dexter. On the bright side, there’s now a layer of primer covering the former paint color, which was a hideous blinding blue hue. Since paints have such great names like Dead Salmon and Tornado Watch, I would dub the former color Makes-Your-Eyes-Bleed-Blue. Catchy, no?

By the way, how awful is picking out paint colors? It is so needlessly complicated. I really did not care exactly which paint color to use and suddenly you are agonizing over 10 identical shades of gray, going “AGH, I JUST DON’T KNOW. ESKIMO KISSES OR STORMY SKIES?”

In other news, here’s my 20 week bump-date, in which I get gradually fatter but can still pass for not pregnant. In the words of my boss, “When are you going to start to show like a normal human being?”

Though I cheated and am really 21 weeks in this picture because I was too lazy to take a picture any other day. I swear you didn’t miss much in those few days. I am starting to get a bit of a bump but I still think it appears less like I’m pregnant and more like I’ve decided to pursue a career in competitive eating.

2 more things about that picture: 1) In case you wondering, no, I am not wearing pants, hence the sliver of my bare thigh. Avert your children’s eyes. I was wearing PJ short though, I promise. 2) My glasses are making a rare appearance because I had a fun adventure last week that led to an urgent care visit and an eye patch. Stay tuned.

Thursday, August 23, 2012

How many baby cages will I need?

8/24/12 -- About 19 weeks pregnant

At my last midwife appointment, the midwife admitted in her soothing Australian accent that if my morning sickness had not gone away at this point, it probably was here to stay. And thank god for the soothing, soothing accent because it somehow didn’t sound so bad until after I had left and thought about 20 more weeks of nausea.  AND THEN I WANTED TO WRING HER PRETTY AUSTRALIAN NECK.

Just kidding, I hope she and her unnaturally calming presence attend my birth.

Granted, morning sickness has gotten A LOT better since the beginning but I still have to take nausea medication on a daily basis to function. There is no doubt in my mind that without it, I would have hyperemesis gravidium, which is fancy medical talk for pregnant and throwing up all day, every day. So bless you, Doxylamine. You’re my most favorite drug. I shall name my first-born child after you. No, wait. Just kidding. Is this how Rumpelstiltskin happened?

In other more endearing news, I had my 18-week ultrasound last week, where the ultrasound tech looked into the crystal ball that is my uterus and predicted that baby Peapod is a boy!
For some reason, the ultrasound tech gave me about 3-dozen very exciting pictures of my placenta, which mostly looks like white noise on a TV screen. But she did nag a couple cute profile pictures:

... and a picture of monkey-like toes:

I also have a few cool pictures of baby’s spine, where it appears that I am giving birth to a fillet of herring or something. But I will spare you these.

So now we can get the business of designing and painting the nursery. And by “we” I mean “Joe”. Since I have to scrape any idea of pink walls and sparkly chandeliers, I’ve become unreasonably attached the idea of horizontal striped walls. Joe pointed out that this would be hard to do all by his lonesome and we might have to fork over some money for a professional painter. I had a brief internal battle between my cheap side that reuses ziplock bags and my irrational pregnant side that panics when she can’t find ice cream cones and, surprise, the pregnant monster won. WE SHALL HAVE STRIPED WALLS, DAMNIT.  And also ice cream because I found the ice cream cones. They were under our pile of candy, naturally.

Or we could forgo a nursery altogether and just attach a baby cage to our window:

See? Don't worry people: THE CRATE CAN BE SCREENED.

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

The baby rhombus

Ah, early pregnancy. Still in an awkward phase in which all my clothes FIT, they just don't fit WELL. It mostly appears that I don't know how to appropriately dress myself. Which is mostly true. I'm sticking to my guns in that I do not have a baby bump yet, as that implies, you know, a BUMP. My belly sticks out a tad further, yes, but is stil mostly flat. No cute curvature. So if anything, that makes it more of a baby rhombus or baby trapezoid. One of those useless shape that no one knows what to do with.

So let's move on to some picture documentation and survey, shall we?

How far along? 17 Weeks
Total weight gain/loss: around 6 lbs or so
Maternity clothes? Bought a few pieces in an excited pregnant frenzy but still wearing my normal wardrobe.
Stretch marks? Nope
Sleep: I sleep like a champ. I excel in sleeping.
Best moment this week: Ate some candy first thing when I woke up and wanted to die a little less. My dentist will be pleased. Good thing I started flossing in preparation for my teeth cleaning next week. I mean, I ALWAYS FLOSS DR. FELDMAN.
Miss Anything? Not feeling like I need to puke all the time? Also felt cheated that I couldn’t have a mimosa on mother’s day. Nice joke, Peapod. 
Movement: Had some uterine cramp-y type things today, wonder if it was Peapod busting a move. Either that or my stomach has had enough and is trying to escape my body.
Food cravings: Safe foods:
fruit and fruit juice, peanut butter, toast and most other carbohydrate, cheese, mashed potatoes....
Anything making you queasy or sick: 
Anything before noon. Otherwise, most sources of protein, my favorite black tea, eggs, raw vegetables, greasy anything, smell of coffee or strong perfume, SHALL I GO ON? Have also not been so keen on oatmeal, cream of wheat or chamomile tea since I threw those up in the early days.
Have you started to show yet:
 I will stubbornly say no.

Gender prediction: Who knows. Had a dream I was having a boy but still have hope I can buy pink sparkly things.
Labor Signs: Nay
Belly Button in or out? In
Wedding rings on or off? On
Happy or Moody most of the time: Happy. Grumpy in the mornings.  I am a very efficient worker in the mornings, sitting very still and quiet at my desk as I distract myself with as much work as possible.
Looking forward to:
 Morning sickness going away, feeling baby move, getting a belly, finding out the gender in a few weeks. Etc etc. 

Sunday, July 22, 2012

Bump watch 2012

7/22/12 Almost 15 weeks pregnant

First off, why is it that every time I open Microsoft Word, there is a “critical update” to install? How is it that each version is just as crappy as the last? But I digress.

Nothing new and exciting to report on the pregnancy front. Still nauseated most of the time, no bump.  Several people have told me that I’m starting to show but seriously, I’m not. I honestly believe that now that everybody knows I’m pregnant, people stare at my gut ALL THE TIME and a lady can’t suck it in 24-7. Plus there’s the whole pregnant = bloated like a beached whale thing.

Luckily, I’m a nurse so I already own a maternity wardrobe. It’s called scrubs. I feel weird when I wear pants that don’t have an elastic waistband or tops that aren’t four times too big for me.

On the nausea front, no real change. Still feel I have some sort of cruel stomach virus that makes you gain weight. I also attribute the heightened sense of smell to the nausea. It’s not so much that I can smell better, just that every smell makes me sick. I often think of an episode of King of the Hill where Bobby is put on a Ritalin-like drug that heightens all his senses. He sits in the kitchen, starring blankly into space. He sniffs. “The milk in the fridge is about to go sour.” He announces. He pauses. “And there it goes…”

Indeed, Bobby, indeed. 

Sunday, July 15, 2012

Sometimes I still bake

In other news, I still bake. I've had to cut down since college, since I no longer have our roommate Brian to count on eating everything I make. Recently I made a plum upside down cake in order to use up a bunch of plums we got in our produce box. Joe ate it within 48 hours so pretty successful, I'd say.

Plum upside down cake, adapted from Real Simple


  • 1/2  cup  (1 stick) plus 1 tablespoon unsalted butter, plus extra for the pan, at room temperature
  • firm, ripe plums, each cut into 8 wedges (This looked measly and I cut them into 16)
  • 1/4  cup  plus 2/3 cup granulated sugar (I cut this down to 1/3 cup and thought it was fine)
  • 1  cup  all-purpose flour
  • 3/4  teaspoon  baking powder
  • 1/4  teaspoon  baking soda
  • 1/4  teaspoon  kosher salt
  • large egg
  • 2/3  cup  sour cream (I used plain nonfat greek yogurt)
  • 1  teaspoon  pure vanilla extract


  1. Heat oven to 350° F. Butter an 8-inch cake pan and line the bottom with parchment paper.
  2. Melt 1 tablespoon of the butter in a large skillet over medium-high heat. Add the plums and 1/4 cup of the sugar and cook, tossing, until the sugar dissolves and the juices from the plums become syrupy, 3 to 4 minutes. Arrange the plums in the cake pan in slightly overlapping concentric circles, starting from the outside. Spoon any pan juices over the top.
  3. In a small bowl, whisk together the flour, baking powder, baking soda, and salt.
  4. With an electric mixer, beat the remaining 1/2 cup of the butter and 2/3 cup of the sugar until fluffy. Beat in the egg, sour cream, and vanilla. Gradually add the flour mixture, mixing just until incorporated.
  5. Pour the batter over the plums and bake until a toothpick inserted in the center comes out clean, 50 to 55 minutes. Let cool in the pan for 1 hour. Place a large plate over the cake pan and invert the cake onto the plate. ______________________________________________________________________________
In conclusion, here's a terrifying fact about Martha Stewart:

Thanks Martha Stewart! Now I know just how to welcome my bambino into the world. 

Saturday, July 14, 2012

Stop ruining my life, google.

7/14/12 – About 13 weeks pregnant

Well, I was really hoping that I would magically wake up the morning of week 13 with no morning sickness but alas, it persists. My midwife says that hopefully it will ease up between 15-18 weeks so that’s the new light at the end of the tunnel.

On the up side, Peapod was looking more humanoid at my 12 week ultrasound. Which means that it looks less like a gummy bear and more like Skeletor. Progress, people. I gave Joe a high five when I read that the little peanut should no longer have a tail at this point. Good work, baby.

Pregnancy is pretty amazing in that I’m pretty sure I’m still eating at a calorie deficit but have somehow still managed to put on a couple pounds. Like, where are you getting this extra stuff to store? Are you converting my bones to fat stores? I was kind of hoping I could avoid that pesky gaining weight part of pregnancy. Thanks, evolution.

I’m a pretty little chick and was feeling pretty okay about my total lack of baby bump until I googled what other women look like this far along and now I totally have a complex. Some of these women have legit cute little bumps. And I look like I ate too many cupcakes last night, if that.

So lesson learned. Do not, I repeat, do not, google anything. You will be totally paranoid about how your pregnancy compares to others and then you will convince yourself that the cherries you ate half an hour ago are going to poison you with listeria because you are a fool that never washes fruit. Also, all the glowing pregnant ladies with cute bumps and not a lick of nausea will send you into a murderous rage.

So don’t google stuff. Instead you should probably eat some macaroni and cheese while watching episodes of Jersey Shore.  It’s working out for me pretty well.

Everybody has been asking me if I’ve been having cravings yet and the short answer is no. Every food makes me want to die. There are some foods that make me want to die less, if you want to call that “cravings”. Probably worse than food actually is any fluid, which I just can’t stomach. I read in a pregnancy book the other idea that I should be striving for 12 glasses of water a day and I actually snorted. I consider it a great accomplishment if I’m able to gag down 32 oz of fluid in my 9 hour work day. Someone we work with brought in sugar free lemonade from Hot Dog on a Stick and I was able to drain that sucker pretty good. So I’m all about lemon water and lemonade right now. Peanut butter and fruit are other faithful standbys. But really, these are things I was semi-obsessed with before pregnancy so who knows.

In other news, pregnancy has made me even lamer than my usual lame self but provides an excellent excuse to take bubble baths before going to sleep at 8 pm. It also had made me fully appreciate the true beauty that is Cinnamon Toast Crunch*. But let’s be honest, you don’t have to be knocked up to realize that.

*This message was not brought to you by Cinnamon Toast Crunch. However, I will not turn away large sums of money from General Mills if they wish to offer it to me. Just putting that out there.

Saturday, June 30, 2012

Mood swings? I WILL CUT YOU.

6/30/12 – about 11 weeks

My trip to California went much better than imagined. Or much worse, depending on how you look at it. My flying anxiety was much lower than usual, though I think this was because I was so nauseated (a charming combination of morning sickness and motion sickness) and sleep deprived that my body didn’t have the energy to produce adrenaline.

 We took a couple red eyes, each flight several hours long. And despite the fact that I was too busy drooling and chanting a mantra of DO NOT THROW UP IN PUBLIC, DO NOT THROW UP IN PUBLIC to claw the walls off the plane as per usual, I still couldn’t sleep a wink. Even pumped full of my usual sedatives, I normally can’t sleep on airplanes. Every single bump, tremor or small noise makes me jump ten feet out of my seat while I instantly imagine ten different fiery deaths. I insist on sitting in the window seat on each flight so at the very least I can make sure that weird buzzing noise wasn’t an engine falling off or that the series of turbulence did not in fact dislodge a wing.

So by flight number 2, I hadn’t slept at all and was so nauseated that I feared an Exorcist-like vomiting scenario. For the first time in years, I searched out the little complimentary barf bags and was disturbed that they were both miniscule and seemingly made of tissue paper. Not reassuring. Thankfully somewhere on the second flight my body gave out and I passed out for an hour or so, with brief moments of, “OH MY GOD WHAT WAS THAT WE ARE CERTAINLY GOING TO DI- ZZZzzzzzz…”

And then we drove to San Francisco to visit my sister, where I’m sure any “baby weight” I’ve gained to this point is really just a collection of the alarming amount of pizza I ate.

While my morning sickness hasn’t gotten any better or worse in intensity, I have been able to tolerate a wider variety of foods. Which is to say, more than dry toast and SpaghettiOs. I’ve even eaten the occasional vegetable! Very exciting.

Other than the nausea, I’m still fairly comfortable and feeling pretty non-pregnant. I do get tired more easily but it also doesn’t help that the magic nausea medication I ritualistically take is a ¼ tablet of doxylamine, otherwise known as the over the counter sleep medication, Unisom. So obviously it makes me sleepy, especially if I’m having a particularly bad morning and have to re-dose in the AM. Combine that with the whole growing another human being thing and yeah, I’m tired.

I’ve only had a few of the fabled mood swings. I think anyway, Joe may tell you differently. I am more emotional in general and any commercial involving a baby instantly makes my eyes well up. But any huge emotional 180’s have been more rare. The big one that comes to mind was a couple weeks ago on a weekend, where I suddenly became paralyzed with depression for no apparent reason. Joe convinced me to crawl from my fetal position on the couch to the bedroom, where I cried and then took a nap and felt a lot better.

Anyways hoping I’ll feel a little better once the first trimester ends, at least a little less puke-y. Please keep all your anecdotes about women who have morning sickness their entire pregnancy to yourself, I really don’t want to consider that a possibility and might be forced to do you bodily harm. See? No mood swings at all.