23 weeks pregnant: Sophie's Pregnancy Tonic

Of course when you’re pregnant everybody wants to know what you’re craving. I’m sure my coworkers are just dying to hear that I’ve been eating Big Macs and ice cream sundaes, since I generally eat very healthily and they find this extremely disturbing. But apparently I do live in an alternate universe where raw green beans and mustard is a perfectly acceptable snack.

Side note: dipping vegetables in mustard is not a pregnancy thing either; I’ve been doing that for years. I’m just semi-obsessed with mustard. Totally normal.

The only new craving I’ve had is for tart herbal tea blends, most of which contain hibiscus flowers. For some reason, this tea is pretty much the only fluid I can stomach. After I discovered this and drank gallons of the stuff a day, I decided on a whim that I should probably Google if hibiscus is safe for consumption during pregnancy.

This is where you scream useless protests at me, much like you would do while watching a horror movie. "NO! STOP! WHY WOULD YOU GO INTO THE HAUNTED BASEMENT ALONE? WHO DOES THAT?"

Internet consensus: probably not, and also why are you trying to poison your unborn child? God. Damn. It.

I called my midwives, who assured me that they could care less if I ate a basket of hibiscus flowers a day. Okay, they may have not said exactly that, because that would be weird, but they did think it was totally safe for me to drink my beloved tea.

I’ve since bought enormous quantities of the stuff and have been drinking that pretty much exclusively. I even started making a juice cocktail with it that I’ve nicknamed Sophie’s Pregnancy Tonic. So if I can just travel back to the 1930’s and peddle it as a cure all, I’d be set.

I think the lesson here, as it always is, is DON’T GOOGLE ANYTHING EVER WHEN YOU’RE PREGNANT. Which is of course why I continue to do it on a daily basis.

Not very interesting but that’s my big pregnancy craving. After I finished off yet another box last week, I announced to Joe that I was probably going to give birth to a giant hibiscus flower. Strangely I have not had nightmares about this yet.

22 weeks: In which I gestate an eggplant

I am so committed to this process that I got up and put on pants to take my weekly belly picture. That, my friends, is called DEDICATION.

Though that took all my motivation and I can't be bothered to come up with anything else. Here's belly update and survey instead.

How far along? 22 Weeks

Total weight gain/loss: something like 12 or 13 lbs

Maternity clothes? A few things. Definitely growing fond of elastic.

Stretch marks? No. Though I have begun to liberally grease my body is assorted potions in attempts to avoid that.

Sleep: Sleeping well, except for the whole peeing every 30 seconds thing.

Best moment this week: My birthday was last week so I was generally fawned upon, which I support 100%. Also Joe finished painting the nursery, though I can’t remember if that was last week or not. 

Miss Anything? Sushi, a normal bladder capacity.

Movement: Oh yes. Peapod enjoys soothing me back to sleep after my midnight bathroom breaks by slamming repeatedly into my uterus.

Food cravings: Nothing unusual. Still fond of peanut butter, fruit, cheese. And unicorn blood. Just seeing if you're paying attention.

Anything making you queasy or sick: Depends. Things have calmed down A LOT but still am turned off a lot of time by protein, raw vegetables… Basically anything that is not a refined carbohydrate will turn me off at one time or another. Coffee and black tea I can’t do at all.

Have you started to show yet: I mean, this weight has to have collected SOMEWHERE. There is some definite pudge action happening but that's about it. Which begs the terrifying question, where am I storing this 12 lbs if not on my belly? Wait, don't answer that. 

Gender prediction: Unless my ultrasound tech was on mind altering drugs, we are sticking with boy.

Labor Signs: Nay. Can I have a surrogate just for the labor bit please?

Belly Button in or out? In. I bought one of those hilarious pregnancy belly button rings that looks like its made out of a flexible straw after my co-worker told me a horrific story about how her pregnancy ripped her belly button piercing nearly completely out but so far things are looking pretty normal. 

Wedding rings on or off? Off, though only because I developed a weird rash on my ring finger. 

Happy or Moody most of the time: Generally pretty emotionally stable. Except when I make pie crust, which always sends me into a murderous rage.

Looking forward to: Actually appearing legitimately pregnant. 

21 Weeks: Pregnancy: Pirate Edition

9/4/12 - 21 Weeks Pregnant

A couple weeks ago, crazy pain in my right eye woke me up at 4 am. I tentatively pawed at that eye and found that my eye was swollen and bizarrely leaking tears, even with the eye clamped shut. Like I was sleep-sobbing. Out of one eye? Wait, it gets better. I stumbled to the bathroom and pried out my contacts and my eye didn’t look too bad. I mean, it was bright red, swollen and pathetic looking but there were no obvious giant glass shards embedded in my eye, which is what it felt like.

I grabbed an ice pack from the freezer and fed Daisy early, who thought this was a neat game where her owner staggered around the house in the middle of the night with no depth perception. Eventually I was able to fall back asleep for a bit with the ice pack snuggled up against my eye and then had soothing dreams about my eye pain, including one in which I figured out that my eye hurt because I had somehow crammed three contact lenses into the one eye.

I really did try going to work but even when I could tentatively force my eye open for brief, glorious moments of sight, the pain stopped dropped me to my knees about every 30 seconds or so while I went, "ARRRRRRGH." Very much like movie supervillains do when their plans have been foiled yet again. Generally this behavior is frowned upon in a nurse so I came to terms that work was not going to happen.

To make matters more interesting, Joe was out of town, so I had to drive myself around to be treated later that morning. Luckily, there is an urgent care center about 30 seconds away from our house and I figured I could drive myself there without killing anyone. I suppose I could have walked there, too, but I didn’t really want to stumble along for 20 minutes while clutching my eye and moaning. People would assume a zombie apocalypse was starting, and then were would we be?

The doctor pretty quickly diagnosed me with a corneal ulcer, a nice big open sore on the eye caused by sleeping with my contacts in. Good work, Sophie. The doctor proceeded to casually mention that as a wartime doc in Korea, he saw a corneal ulcer much like mine become so infected with Pseudomonas that the lady’s eye melted within a matter of days. He paused. “We got her a glass eye,” he said thoughtfully, as if this were supposed to comfort me somehow. After this I was all I’LL DO WHATEVER YOU WANT DOC, JUST DON’T LET MY EYE MELT. So I left with a prescription for some pain relieving eye drops, antibiotic eye drops, and a stylish eye patch. YES, PREGNANT WITH AN EYE PATCH. AND MY EYE IS PROBABLY GOING TO MELT. THIS DAY GETS BETTER AND BETTER.

Driving to and from the pharmacy while wearing an eye patch was probably one of the more sketchy things I have done but goddamnit, I was getting my anti-eye melting medications. Pedestrians be damned!

So I bummed around the house with my sweet eye patch on for the rest of the day. Eye injuries are especially lame because you can't go to work with a leaky useless eye but also can’t really do the usual sick-at-home things, like read or watch TV. I mean, I squinted in the general direction of the TV in order to “watch” What’s Eating Gilbert Grape but that’s about it. Luckily, as a pregnant lady, napping is a favorite activity of mine, so at least I was well rested.

Thankfully, eye injuries tend to heal pretty fast so the eye patch and mind-searing pain were short-lived. And, so far, my eye has not melted, so that’s awesome.

In other news, I am still pregnant. Baby Peapod moves enough that Joe can now feel him, and if I watch carefully when baby is active, I can see my belly pulsate. Very Alien-esque.

Ahem. I mean, the beautiful wonders of pregnancy, mother earth and so on. And so forth.

20 weeks: half way done!

8/28/12 20 weeks pregnant

When we learned baby Peapod is a boy a couple weeks ago, Joe decided that I needed some bellyphones. They're little stick on headphones that you can secure to your belly in order to pump music directly into your unsuspecting uterus. Like so:

I think the idea is kind of silly and besides, Peapod is getting plenty of audio stimulation from such cinematic classics as Pretty Little Liars and Buffy the Vampire Slayer. But it is kind of adorable and it doesn’t take any effort on my part so I’m game.

Speaking of game, Joe’s playlist for developing young genius brains has consisted of such master composers as Beethoven and Debussy and for some reason also includes the Final Fantasy VII soundtrack.  Naturally.

I’ve definitely felt the wee one more the last week. I’d felt some flutters now and then for a couple weeks before but can now feel actual jabs/kicks/punches. Joe can tell when it’s happening because I jump about 10 feet in the air every time it happens. I took a couple good hits when I used the bellyphones the first time and I suppose we will never know if they were squirms of delight or a desperate attempt to escape from the Waltz de Chocobo.

Joe has also prepped the nursery for my striped wall scheme. The room is barren and draped in plastic sheets and tape so it basically looks like a kill room from Dexter. On the bright side, there’s now a layer of primer covering the former paint color, which was a hideous blinding blue hue. Since paints have such great names like Dead Salmon and Tornado Watch, I would dub the former color Makes-Your-Eyes-Bleed-Blue. Catchy, no?

By the way, how awful is picking out paint colors? It is so needlessly complicated. I really did not care exactly which paint color to use and suddenly you are agonizing over 10 identical shades of gray, going “AGH, I JUST DON’T KNOW. ESKIMO KISSES OR STORMY SKIES?”

In other news, here’s my 20 week bump-date, in which I get gradually fatter but can still pass for not pregnant. In the words of my boss, “When are you going to start to show like a normal human being?”

Though I cheated and am really 21 weeks in this picture because I was too lazy to take a picture any other day. I swear you didn’t miss much in those few days. I am starting to get a bit of a bump but I still think it appears less like I’m pregnant and more like I’ve decided to pursue a career in competitive eating.

2 more things about that picture: 1) In case you wondering, no, I am not wearing pants, hence the sliver of my bare thigh. Avert your children’s eyes. I was wearing PJ short though, I promise. 2) My glasses are making a rare appearance because I had a fun adventure last week that led to an urgent care visit and an eye patch. Stay tuned.

How many baby cages will I need?

8/24/12 -- About 19 weeks pregnant

At my last midwife appointment, the midwife admitted in her soothing Australian accent that if my morning sickness had not gone away at this point, it probably was here to stay. And thank god for the soothing, soothing accent because it somehow didn’t sound so bad until after I had left and thought about 20 more weeks of nausea.  AND THEN I WANTED TO WRING HER PRETTY AUSTRALIAN NECK.

Just kidding, I hope she and her unnaturally calming presence attend my birth.

Granted, morning sickness has gotten A LOT better since the beginning but I still have to take nausea medication on a daily basis to function. There is no doubt in my mind that without it, I would have hyperemesis gravidium, which is fancy medical talk for pregnant and throwing up all day, every day. So bless you, Doxylamine. You’re my most favorite drug. I shall name my first-born child after you. No, wait. Just kidding. Is this how Rumpelstiltskin happened?

In other more endearing news, I had my 18-week ultrasound last week, where the ultrasound tech looked into the crystal ball that is my uterus and predicted that baby Peapod is a boy!

For some reason, the ultrasound tech gave me about 3-dozen very exciting pictures of my placenta, which mostly looks like white noise on a TV screen. But she did nag a couple cute profile pictures:

... and a picture of monkey-like toes:

I also have a few cool pictures of baby’s spine, where it appears that I am giving birth to a fillet of herring or something. But I will spare you these.

So now we can get the business of designing and painting the nursery. And by “we” I mean “Joe”. Since I have to scrape any idea of pink walls and sparkly chandeliers, I’ve become unreasonably attached the idea of horizontal striped walls. Joe pointed out that this would be hard to do all by his lonesome and we might have to fork over some money for a professional painter. I had a brief internal battle between my cheap side that reuses ziplock bags and my irrational pregnant side that panics when she can’t find ice cream cones and, surprise, the pregnant monster won. WE SHALL HAVE STRIPED WALLS, DAMNIT.  And also ice cream because I found the ice cream cones. They were under our pile of candy, naturally.

Or we could forgo a nursery altogether and just attach a baby cage to our window:

See? Don't worry people: THE CRATE CAN BE SCREENED.

The baby rhombus

Ah, early pregnancy. Still in an awkward phase in which all my clothes FIT, they just don't fit WELL. It mostly appears that I don't know how to appropriately dress myself. Which is mostly true. I'm sticking to my guns in that I do not have a baby bump yet, as that implies, you know, a BUMP. My belly sticks out a tad further, yes, but is stil mostly flat. No cute curvature. So if anything, that makes it more of a baby rhombus or baby trapezoid. One of those useless shape that no one knows what to do with.

So let's move on to some picture documentation and survey, shall we?

How far along? 17 Weeks
Total weight gain/loss: around 6 lbs or so
Maternity clothes? Bought a few pieces in an excited pregnant frenzy but still wearing my normal wardrobe.

Stretch marks? Nope
Sleep: I sleep like a champ. I excel in sleeping.
Best moment this week: Ate some candy first thing when I woke up and wanted to die a little less. My dentist will be pleased. Good thing I started flossing in preparation for my teeth cleaning next week. I mean, I ALWAYS FLOSS DR. FELDMAN.

Miss Anything? Not feeling like I need to puke all the time? Also felt cheated that I couldn’t have a mimosa on mother’s day. Nice joke, Peapod. 
Movement: Had some uterine cramp-y type things today, wonder if it was Peapod busting a move. Either that or my stomach has had enough and is trying to escape my body.
Food cravings: Safe foods: fruit and fruit juice, peanut butter, toast and most other carbohydrate, cheese, mashed potatoes....
Anything making you queasy or sick: Anything before noon. Otherwise, most sources of protein, my favorite black tea, eggs, raw vegetables, greasy anything, smell of coffee or strong perfume, SHALL I GO ON? Have also not been so keen on oatmeal, cream of wheat or chamomile tea since I threw those up in the early days.
Have you started to show yet: I will stubbornly say no.
Gender prediction: Who knows. Had a dream I was having a boy but still have hope I can buy pink sparkly things.
Labor Signs: Nay
Belly Button in or out? In
Wedding rings on or off? On
Happy or Moody most of the time: Happy. Grumpy in the mornings.  I am a very efficient worker in the mornings, sitting very still and quiet at my desk as I distract myself with as much work as possible.
Looking forward to: Morning sickness going away, feeling baby move, getting a belly, finding out the gender in a few weeks. Etc etc. 

Bump watch 2012

7/22/12 Almost 15 weeks pregnant

First off, why is it that every time I open Microsoft Word, there is a “critical update” to install? How is it that each version is just as crappy as the last? But I digress.

Nothing new and exciting to report on the pregnancy front. Still nauseated most of the time, no bump.  Several people have told me that I’m starting to show but seriously, I’m not. I honestly believe that now that everybody knows I’m pregnant, people stare at my gut ALL THE TIME and a lady can’t suck it in 24-7. Plus there’s the whole pregnant = bloated like a beached whale thing.

Luckily, I’m a nurse so I already own a maternity wardrobe. It’s called scrubs. I feel weird when I wear pants that don’t have an elastic waistband or tops that aren’t four times too big for me.

On the nausea front, no real change. Still feel I have some sort of cruel stomach virus that makes you gain weight. I also attribute the heightened sense of smell to the nausea. It’s not so much that I can smell better, just that every smell makes me sick. I often think of an episode of King of the Hill where Bobby is put on a Ritalin-like drug that heightens all his senses. He sits in the kitchen, starring blankly into space. He sniffs. “The milk in the fridge is about to go sour.” He announces. He pauses. “And there it goes…”

Indeed, Bobby, indeed.